I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm just crazy horny about you
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
The ass gains better be worth it
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
