Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
So gin and wine won't be happening again
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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