god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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