apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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