I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
