I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
