yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
