he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
