And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I would ride that face into the sunset
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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