They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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