about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
