I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
