I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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