I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
