Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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