Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
