Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
