so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
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