How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
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