why didn't you poke me back
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
