and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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