So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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