i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
