When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
