he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
