Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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