Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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