tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My butt remains clenched, sir.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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