I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
