i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
