So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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