do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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