let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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