4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
farters have to be the big spoon...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
