Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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