Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
