i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
