I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
