I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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