i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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