Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
