im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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