My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
