I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
