I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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