I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Randomize
