Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
