You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
