let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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