I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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